whenever i post a picture i think of him giving my dad a list of mental health institutions i could go to long-term, instead of for three days, as though the problem were not the prescription pills, two of which i was on for the sole purpose of dealing with the shitty relationship, or as though the problem were not the shitty relationship. i post a picture and think, oh my god, he tried to disappear me. this is also what i think about whenever i start to feel badly about talking about the situation in public. 

i remember my dad clearing his throat and saying “i just want you to know he doesn’t take any responsibility for this.” i was not surprised.

i am pretty shocked though—still—that he also gave my father a list of my close friends, annotated, calling one a “pushover” and saying i had a “hostile relationship” with another. 

i was sort of feeling sorry for him for something today, and actually i still feel sorry for him for that thing, like what if you are the nicest you could be and you are still an asshole? what if you kept yourself a secret from everyone and then the one person you showed yourself to ultimately couldn’t stand it or you? i mean, that would suck. 

i was telling a friend recently about how much less time i spend in therapy, which i often get dismissed from early. laura was like “it’s like getting an A+ from your therapist.” it’s nice to have practically run out of things to talk about now that the most disorganizing parts of this life event are over. it’s also nice to know, as aliza once pointed out, smiling, “that it really was all because of a guy.”