sometimes i forget who i am and imagine that any day now i will be married and pregnant/parenting…when my parents were mine/jas’ age they were homeowners, my dad was a young professional, and i was an infant.
i think this has been going on for me for years and i am always comparing myself to where my parents were at my age and it’s mind-boggling. also my three best friends from grade school are all pregnant (one with her second child) and my best friend from my freshman year of high school now has four kids and the oldest one is older than we were when we were friends and she started a cupcake business last year that was on some reality tv show and i was like: oh, i’m going to watch this and then go read some deleuze.
26 Apr 2012 / Reblogged from kristen-stone with 15 notes / normative desires conservative fantasies
he couldn’t find the camera the night before we went to LA so our first day there all he wanted to do was go shopping. i said okay, we could take a few hours and buy a camera to document our rapidly dwindling three-day vacation, but i didn’t say that, since it was his first vacation, ever, and the first time we’d really been away since the miscarriage, and it’s possible he thought he was doing the right thing, though i think he was mostly scared. afterwards, we returned to our fancy hotel and i ordered a drink and he read the times and we looked at the hills and tried to deconstruct the relationships of our fellow vacationers and i took a lot of sitting-next-to-the-pool pictures. at some point i asked where our camera was and he said, “you mean my camera” and i was stunned, like: we had chosen our children’s names a year ago but you aren’t comfortable being co-proprietors of a camera? which is what i said to him, obviously, and he tried to laugh it off. it was a lovely trip, even going to the best buy was fun, like going to bed, bath, and beyond and blowing off work and eating doughnuts, but also sort of as lovely as a trip can be when you are trying to grapple with the fact that the person you have heard agree with two different couples therapists that you are his ideal love object and add that he would stay there in their offices as long as possible ($200/session) if it would fix the relationship is actually uncomfortable even pretending to share a $100 camera.
mikki said this to me months ago when i met her for drinks, which was monumental, i was so depressed. i thought it was such a nice thing to say. my therapist had asked me before “why are you saying you are depressed when you are laughing?” and i didn’t know what to say except “well, it’s still funny.” when i was home both of my parents, separately, would tell me extremely harrowing stories about my brother’s drug addiction and several related and recent near-death experiences, and they would start laughing—at the funny parts—and so would i and i was like, oh this is where i got it from. my parents are also both good in a crisis; friendly and sociable; deeply, deeply ethical; and kind of assholish when necessary. just like me.
4 Feb 2012 / 12 notes / conservative fantasies giggling as resistance
