"there are some people (and these are the kinds i tend to like) who always remain committed to what is possible. like nietzsche, i never want to be contemporary or with a time. this time. but i’ve always wanted to be in time, in the sync of time, the joint, joining, union of time, with someone.”—masha tupitsyn, love dog. this is like 100% of one of my top five feelings.
once, when i foolishly encouraged josé to convince me i should accept my phd admissions offer, he graciously obliged and said i was already doing work that was where everyone was going, even though i didn’t know it yet. when i was a trend writer and editor i was a machine—i never lacked for ideas—and the ones that my superiors shot down usually appeared, written by others, approximately two-and-a-half years after i first diligently researched and pitched them. on the other hand, my therapist recently and rightly called both me and marc “traditional.”
i have a few beauty errands today (obviously), and i need to throw some things in a bag because we are staying at a hotel tomorrow night, but mostly i just have to mentally prepare, whatever that means (tumblr? draft purge? those drafts won’t be relevant in the same way in 24 hours, but also some of those drafts are controversial, and maybe today would be a good day to stay away from anything contentious, if i had that kind of self-discipline). marc has a late call at the office, so i said i would open a bottle of wine without him. he told me not to drink too much before he gets home because of “unity.” it is probably fair to keep your bride from getting drunk the night before the wedding, but he is committed to us being in the same state at the same time even on less charged days.
the hardest thing for me about this relationship, from the beginning, has been that marc is still close to so many people he went to grade school and high school and camp and college and temple with, and all of their friends, too, including—at least when we first met—some he had known for years and been involved with. i could not get over—am still getting over—his being in the sync of time, for so long, with others, without me. (that girl you have known your whole life and briefly dated is not only best friends with all of your best friends, but facebook friends with your mom and dad?! i don’t even have any friends from before college, and there was a period where i didn’t talk to my family for years.) but i guess if i can’t actually have that history, i can at least have someone who also wants that history, and future.
when i read this passage in masha’s book for the first time two summers ago i knew exactly what she meant—i think—because what she talks about is what i always wanted, too.