1. karaj:

    more lesbian poetry. i was trying to explain this the other day, but it explains itself. 

    XV
    If I lay on that beach with you
    white, empty, pure green water warmed by the Gulf Stream
    and lying on that beach we could not stay
    because the wind drove fine sand against us
    as if it were against us
    if we tried to withstand it and we failed—
    if we drove to another place
    to sleep in each other’s arms
    and the beds were narrow like prisoners’ cots
    and we were tired and did not sleep together
    and this was what we found, so this is what we did—
    was the failure ours? 
    If I cling to circumstances I could feel
    not responsible. Only she who says
    she did not choose, is the loser in the end. 

    —from adrienne richs 21 love poems 

    1994-2014. finally. 

     
  2. karaj:

    "there are some people (and these are the kinds i tend to like) who always remain committed to what is possible. like nietzsche, i never want to be contemporary or with a time. this time. but i’ve always wanted to be in time, in the sync of time, the joint, joining, union of time, with someone.”—masha tupitsyn, love dog. this is like 100% of one of my top five feelings. 

    once, when i foolishly encouraged josé to convince me i should accept my phd admissions offer, he graciously obliged and said i was already doing work that was where everyone was going, even though i didn’t know it yet. when i was a trend writer and editor i was a machine—i never lacked for ideas—and the ones that my superiors shot down usually appeared, written by others, approximately two-and-a-half years after i first diligently researched and pitched them. on the other hand, my therapist recently and rightly called both me and marc “traditional.” 

    i have a few beauty errands today (obviously), and i need to throw some things in a bag because we are staying at a hotel tomorrow night, but mostly i just have to mentally prepare, whatever that means (tumblr? draft purge? those drafts won’t be relevant in the same way in 24 hours, but also some of those drafts are controversial, and maybe today would be a good day to stay away from anything contentious, if i had that kind of self-discipline). marc has a late call at the office, so i said i would open a bottle of wine without him. he told me not to drink too much before he gets home because of “unity.” it is probably fair to keep your bride from getting drunk the night before the wedding, but he is committed to us being in the same state at the same time even on less charged days.

    the hardest thing for me about this relationship, from the beginning, has been that marc is still close to so many people he went to grade school and high school and camp and college and temple with, and all of their friends, too, including—at least when we first met—some he had known for years and been involved with. i could not get over—am still getting over—his being in the sync of time, for so long, with others, without me. (that girl you have known your whole life and briefly dated is not only best friends with all of your best friends, but facebook friends with your mom and dad?! i don’t even have any friends from before college, and there was a period where i didn’t talk to my family for years.) but i guess if i can’t actually have that history, i can at least have someone who also wants that history, and future. 

    when i read this passage in masha’s book for the first time two summers ago i knew exactly what she meant—i think—because what she talks about is what i always wanted, too.  

     
  3. last summer, a friend emailed to ask if i wanted to work on a short-term project at her fashion magazine, and i burst into tears. this year, a friend emailed to ask if i wanted to work on a short-term project at her fashion magazine and i was like, oh my god, i am going to get paid a really high day rate to learn new beauty tips (you can use an eyelash curler even after applying mascara), distract myself from premarital stress, and figure out who should do the hair and makeup for my wedding. 

    i had a vision: i wanted a hair stylist and makeup artist who worked backstage and did editorial, but would consent to doing bridal as long as it didn’t look like bridal. i didn’t think these people actually existed, so i was prepared to research until i found a suitable, disappointing alternative.

    i spent a month working on glamour dos and dont’s, a project so steeped in historical import and feelings i was often on the verge of weeping. in doing so, i found out—for once, this never happens—that my vision could actually be realized. the kind of people i wanted to make me look like a milder version of a vogue italia model did, in fact, exist, as a group. i even knew some of their work from before (like, from w magazine editorials i had saved in my tumblr drafts).

    i had forgotten how hard it is to create images with professionals. everyone has a vision, and an ego, and if you are anna wintour you can do a several thousand dollar beauty shoot and if doesn’t work it doesn’t matter: you kill it. if i could be as wasteful as the old conde nast i might be. i mean: i definitely would be. that was part of what made the old conde nast great. 

    we’re working it out. i had my hair cut yesterday and we started considering which extensions are the right extensions. i would be lying if i said i had complete faith that i’m going to look a way i want to look when i walk out the door for the ceremony. but my stylist said she loved the gemma ward updo i sent her as a reference, and i like the gamble.  

     
  4. also this was me just getting started.

     
  5. even if i did not have eight stray eyebrow hairs that i considered for several hours (nonconsecutively) for days, i would have still gone to see jimena before the wedding. it’s only right. we didn’t have much time, since i booked last minute, though she didn’t rush me. she asked if i was nervous and i said yes, about running out of samples of la mer last week, and various intricate family dramas, but not about marriage or marc. i told her about my brother and she said, immediately, “you can’t think about that right now and some people won’t understand.” i said i knew, and agreed, and suspected they didn’t. she looked at my brows and saw exactly what i saw; “you just had to,” she said, adding that one of my former assistants had been to see her yesterday and that they had spent twenty minutes discussing whether the shoulder on celia’s new blazer had been properly tailored. we also said “i love you,” over and over, and she refused to let me pay or even tip. 

     
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  7. lelaid:

    Jerry Hall by Antonio Lopez

    this is actually exactly the perfect look for saturday night drinks and dinner with our families, although i am not jerry hall, this is not that decade, and if i wore real fur someone would throw paint on me (actually, where we are going, no one would throw paint on me). the reference i actually the sent the makeup artist was a more subdued, more 2014, more beauty blog (not that i don’t like beauty blogs) version of this. alas. i still expect my hair will be up and my eye shadow will be more straight-up (but perhaps still bronze-y?) smoky eye and the orange lips should be orangier, not redder. but i’m definitely showing this perfect image to the beauty team. it’s my job to come up with references; it’s their job to make my ideas realistic. kind of realistic. i just want them to keep a little bit of the crazy in the pretty.  

     

    1. m: i told you, you're an artist.
    2. you're exploring the intersection of makeup, fashion, feminism, and manipulation.
    3. kj: what's the manipulation?
    4. m: getting me to buy you expensive clothes.
     
  8. wmagazine:

    California Dreamy

    Photograph by Claiborne Swanson Frank. 

    i’m a little taken by the wallpaper, which won’t be there, and by those stunning blue earrings, though i no longer have my ears pierced. the eye makeup is beautiful, though i was thinking more dramatic. but this is the right coral lip color for saturday, and maybe the updo is a little much for real life, but it’s softened by that tendril. she’s doing off the shoulder, too, which makes me feel calm. recommended. 

     
  9. labsinthe:

    "The Girly Show" Mariacarla Boscono photographed by Mert & Marcus for W 2012

    w remains my favorite american fashion magazine. it’s edited by my former boss—gracious, stylish, italian—and this is one of my favorite shoots of the last several years. i’m obviously not doing this hair, i can barely see this makeup, but i fully support this fashion and this life. these slingbacks are in the top five white heels i have ever loved. these slingbacks, with that lingerie, could easily change your life.